Mama in a pre-k panic

Today is the last day of our lives as we know them. Tomorrow, when my first-born starts pre-k, everything about our routine will change. As in, we will now have a routine. I have stayed home with Jack since he was born five years ago. Jack has been with Case every day since Case was born three years ago. This is every day, all-day pre-kindergarten. Which is not what I would choose if someone had asked “Heather, how would you like Jack’s pre-k schedule to be configured?” But no one did.

My husband just realized what a big change is coming but he is not having all these feelings like I am. He looks at me with a mixture of sympathy and amusement these days. Which, now that I think about it, is exactly how I would like everyone to look at me all the time. Just kidding. Back to the lamenting.

He is five now and he needs somewhere to  go and something to do. He is to the age of getting bored easily. Both my kids love to go places and ask me where we are going every single day. So, this will be good in a way. But, there’s a part of me that thinks back to when I was a kid and there was not only no pre-k but a lot of kindergartens were only half a day. And when my parents were kids, there was no kindergarten. So, since I like everything old better than everything new (except air conditioning- I would never rewind to before AC), I am just wondering why the rush.

And I have not even mentioned the whole part about being tied to a regimented schedule now. I realize this is very spoiled of me but this is my reality, people. Gone will be the days of going to see the grandparents on a Tuesday or going to spend a couple of weeknights at my mom’s while Spencer is gone for work. No more snuggling on the couch watching cartoons until everyone is ready to get moving every morning. And is Case going to need me to play with him every second of every day? And don’t even ask how much time I shall now be spending driving to school and back (they put us in the prek across town) and waiting in the drop off/pick up line (because I don’t know)! And pick up time is at Case’s nap time. It is all just a tad overwhelming. I am a fragile millennial snowflake. I can’t help it. I am a product of my time and place.

I was informed at enrollment that pre-k is not required in Oklahoma and I could actually just keep him home another year until kindergarten. That is the information that is keeping me upright at the moment. If this is all just not right for him, I could simply yank his butt back home. Of course, I could do that anyway if I wanted to homeschool but NO I DO NOT. I have not gone that far off the sappy end.

But I have gone pretty far off it. I’ve felt like I’ve had PMS for two weeks. You know, how you feel like if you see a kitten or someone holds the door for you or if the sunrise is especially nice how you might just start sobbing and never stop? Yes, that has been me. Just right on the edge of a sentimental break down. The other day at the store a nice lady talked to me in the line at Wal-Mart and she was so warm and funny as she commented on all the lunchbox stuff in my cart and my voice caught when I told her we had just moved to town and that this was my first year doing all this. I almost hugged her when I left but I thought that might be over her personal boundary line. I hope I run into her again and she invites me to lunch. Maybe I need something to really set me off today so I can get it all out before tomorrow.

I realize a lot of mamas have a hard time when they send their babies off to school for the first time. I feel like these are normal things to wonder: I feed him like 27 times a day- will he be hungry? Will they let him run around enough? Will he be thirsty? Will he be too nervous to go to the bathroom? Will he feel worried and miss me too much? Will he learn all kinds of terrible things from any of the kids? Will he feel like livestock being herded from one pen to the next? Okay, maybe that one isn’t so normal. And, because I really love and trust y’all, I’m going to confess this one, too. I would actually like to have a camera and an audio feed connected to his classroom so I can check in there. I mean, I am sure the teacher is a nice lady (how can you voluntarily spend your days with 25 4-5 year olds who you aren’t related to and not be a nice person) but I don’t even know her! Yes, I admit, I am a control freak about who I put in charge of my kids. I really think I should’ve been allowed to interview teachers and administer at least three personality tests as well as speak to their former teachers.

And since we are being honest here, I am also sad that the Brown brothers won’t be together 24/7 anymore. I like them being obsessed with each other. Am I fostering co-dependence? Maybe, but I don’t even want to hear about it right now.

I’m a little worried also about how I am going to be at being a school mom. I already tried to take Jack to meet the teacher night on Thursday only to discover meet the teacher night was actually on Tuesday. HOT MESS EXPRESS HERE, PEOPLE.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. I experienced severe fatigue yesterday. I know I exaggerate a lot, but this is true. I kept falling asleep all morning until about noon. Jack had to get them both lunchables for lunch. Case spilled milk all over the side of the bed I was laying on and I didn’t even know it. I am hoping I had some sickness and that wasn’t some anxiety/depression coming out…

The other day my friend posted this blog and it has the best affirmation at the bottom. I want to read it and have my boys repeat after me each morning before school. I mean, I probably won’t because I’ll be screaming at everyone to just get in the freakin’ car before we are late again, but maybe sometimes.

It’s not all gloom and doom. I am excited, in a way, because I think Jack will like school and I know he will like making lots of new friends. And Case is going to be in Mother’s Day Out so I am going to have some time to try to find some things to work on. Plus, I do find that I’m more productive and efficient when I have a known schedule and routine in place. So, there are reasons to celebrate this new season of life for sure. But I’m going to do that on Monday, I think, after I grieve the loss of the old season first.

Love y’all, mean it. I’ll keep you posted. If you don’t hear from me, check the mental facility.